10182017Headline:

An Even Keel

"Well, it's just pretty rude you didn't wait for me to build the French Toast base before you started putting shaving cream all over it."

“Well, it’s just pretty rude you didn’t wait for me to build the French Toast base before you started putting shaving cream all over it.”

And in a shocking turn of events, nothing remotely exciting, horrifying, or destructive happened this weekend. I know, I’m suspicious too. I swear there’s something I’m missing.

(Granted, the twins did figure out how to get in the van and honk the horn. Thereby scaring the crap out of all involved, but since they didn’t run it through the garage wall, we’ll say we broke even here. If they ever do drive it through a wall or the garage door, I promise to give that instance its very own post. Journalistic integrity and all that.)

Besides kicking off March with another snow storm, things ran a pretty even keel from Thursday until today, the date of the van incident mentioned above. As such, now is as good a time as any to mention odds and ends of information.

What?

You don’t think our definition of “even keel” is the same as everyone else’s?

I’m insulted.

Actually, you’re right. Here’s what “smoothly” looks like at the Split level…

1.) The baby has figured out how to climb the cabinets. I was able to catch him, mid-air, before he and the Oreos he was stealing went head first into the laminate.

2.) I only found one hair on my chin, as opposed to the usual three.

3.) Husband and I spent all of the hours the children slept watching The Sopranos. It’s only been off the air for seven years, but we’re always pretty late to the party. For instance, we just got smart phones and found out no one uses a pager anymore.

On a side note, it’s been extremely hard not to yell things like, “You cross the family one more time, and you’re getting cement boots and a trip to the river,” when the kids get in the refrigerator without asking.

4.) I swept the entire downstairs and got an entire load of laundry done. Almost everyone has clean underwear to start their week.

5.) In the category of Unremarkable talents, I learned I’m able to switch seamlessly from wine to Guinness, from Guinness to wine without any sort of harsh impairment. Still waiting on a call back from Barnum and Bailey.

6.) The baby managed to brush a glass off the counter. Thankfully, it was the type of delicate craftsmanship that explodes into a billion pieces. No one was cut, and I learned how to sweep up glass while holding toddler who’s trying to punch me in the face.

7.) We received word the snow should be melting off in a couple days and weather somewhere in the fifties should commence for an unknown duration. There was much rejoicing.

Well, until the twins got in the van this morning. Now that I think about it, it’s giving me pause. And there’s not any Guinness left. I guess things can only run smoothly for so long.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.


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