11182017Headline:

New Gardening Hobbies: Potato Abuser and Zucchini Pimp

by Jenny Hansen

My new gardening theory: I’m too nice to my spuds. It’s time to go all “Fifty Shades” on my errant potato pals.

Seriously, all my friends with crappy soil can grow mad amounts of potatoes. Even my big bro got scads of potatoes on his first try! Not only did he get a great crop, he GLOATED with this Facebook update:

Winterizing the garden today and found some goodies buried in the potato box!

The Bag Whore's "leftover spuds."

His “leftover spuds.” I hate him.

Me?

I just confirmed that my third try at potatoes yielded one the size of my big toe and another about three inches long. Not only was the crop pitiful, but they tasted like cocktail onions.

So I’m at dinner with Hubby and Clair the Coffee Goddess and they told me “I’m too nice to my potatoes.” Obviously if all these other schmoes can grow ’em, I can too, right?

I just need to abuse them more. Talk dirty. Maybe a spanking or two.

According to the Southern California planting guide, this is what will grow right now in my area:

FALL (in warm regions)
artichoke, beets, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, chives, cilantro, collards, dill, endive, fava beans, garlic, kale, lettuce, onion, parsley, parsnip, peas, radish, swiss chard, thyme

Note: I’ve got most of that, plus tomatoes, although those are starting to die off. BUT I WANT POTATOES!!!! *bangs spade…yanks hair* WHY can’t I grow potatoes???!

The Hansen House Potato Famine was followed by this conversation with my sis:

Sis: Shoot…I can’t grow zucchini! Help!

Me: Cory, I just got the secret of why we didn’t get zucchini this year! With the bee population down you have to get a q-tip and fertilize them yourself. Get pollen from the boy flowers and take it to the girl flowers. Relative of mine swears it works.

Sis: This sounds like blog! [Thassss right!] Q-tips, boy flower… Girl flower Hmmmm…. It’s too bad my garden is done. Winter is setting in here in Oregon.

Me: I know, right? Who’d have thought you had to be the resident pimp for the zucchini?

Big Bro: You just have to plant flowers to attract the bees. I had tons of bees. Of course you guys live in Monsanto hell, maybe you have a shortage of bees there.

Yup. Despite what my sanctimonious potato-growing big brother has to say, there IS a shortage of bees here in the western regions right now.

If you want to get zucchini these days, ya gotta pimp it.

While the link above shows the Q-tip method well, the guy in this video slays me. I loooove the way he says “zucchinis.” So, to recap: I have to abuse my potatoes and be a pimp for my zucchini if I want to be successful.

Any questions?

Continue the discussion at the #SocialIn hashtag on Twitter or SocialInDC on Facebook!
~ Jenny
@JennyHansenCA

 

About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 15 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm. Jenny also writes the Risky Baby Business posts at More Cowbell, a series that focuses on babies, new parents and high-risk pregnancy.

© 2013 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.

 


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